Everything ‘she’ didn’t say (An Open Letter)

Second semester, enrollment day.

It was just another mediocre day—students standing in the hallway, crowded lobby, long line of students waiting to have their sched forms—it seems like everyone was so busy. I’m glad I have my friends with me. Glad that I’m not… alone.

And then I noticed… you.

I still remember.. you were wearing yellow pants which I actually finds queer, but definitely attractive. Thoughts came rushing through my mind. Millions of scenes started flashing. Then one question hit me?

Are you the one?

Looking so desperate here, but yes, I’m looking for the one. The one who will love me despite of me being myself, someone who will love my flaws and imperfections. I’m just tired of being the second best, a damn option. I’m exhausted of being in love, loving a person who cannot love me back. Then with a hopeful look, my gaze falls to you.

You being the ‘one’ would be the best thing ever.

I immediately asked your classmates–which also happened to be my new found friends–some infos about you. They said some good and bad things, but I don’t care. I’m not a perfectionist freak by the way. I thought that it’s going to be another boring semester but I’m wrong–everyday with you is wonderful, should be cherish and treasure.

***

Many days passed by… and I got along well with the whole block. It’s like the new environment, new faces and my new circle of friends are just the old one. I can feel the normalcy, It’s like I’ve known them for a long time.

You know what, whenever I’m thinking that you would be my friend, I always shrugged at the thought. But fate really knows how to work. Funniest of all the funny thing is that I’ve became one. At that time, that was beyond enough for me.

I still remember our first conversation.

“Oh! Anong nangyari sayo ba’t ka namumula?” You said.

I traveled to the age of paranoia that time. A lot of questions filled my mind. Did you notice how your mere presence affected me? Did you just notice how I’m blushing whenever you’re around me?

And then with a hint of annoyance I said…

“Tanga! Hindi kaya.”

After that conversation, you always teased me, joke around me. And of course, ‘me’ having a crush on you will always laugh even at your simplest punchlines.

I knew to myself, I’m really infatuated… I like you.

But… I’m so scared, I don’t want to feel too deeply, I don’t want this feelings to go beyond what I want. I know what it’s like to get my hopes up and eventually get disappointed after. I reminded myself once again, I will not let myself plummet cause I know you will never ever going to catch me.

***

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The thing about me is that I easily fall in love. I let myself drown to the idea of falling in love. Am I too obvious? Everyone in our class noticed that I have this freaking feelings for you. I didn’t even tried to deny it because…it’s true. I’m just being honest with myself. And it wouldn’t change the fact that you didn’t feel the same way about me. Are you too numb to feel it? Actually, no. You’re not numb… You know what I feel, you just don’t want to acknowledge it.

Then, what I am afraid about happened. I fell… fell really hard. It’s like the world is putting shitty trashes on me.

When I fell for you, you fell too… but unfortunately, not for me.

You said that; There’s this girl that you really like. And it’s the first time I saw how serious you are. You said that you’re just afraid to pursue her, you’re afraid to get rejected. Just by the mention of her name. I saw the spark in your eyes, you’re totally whip and smitten. Seriously, you made a cute couple whenever you’re together. I saw how close you are, I saw that bond you have with each other and I cannot protest. She’s the one who can make you smile, she’s the one who can make your sun and moon collide, she’s the one who mean the world to you. And who am I to protest?

I’m nothing but a friend to you. That’s just my role. It hurts. It hurts but I’ll just keep it to myself. That’s one of the thing I am good for. Smiling when I’m actually close to crying. What a great pretender?

Questions keep on haunting me..

Why does it have to be you? Why did my idiotic heart always fall for a person who didn’t have a slightest intention to catch me?

The only thing I can say is that… I’m happy for you. Haha but who am I kidding? Yes I’m happy for you and I feel sorry for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad. Well, who am I to get mad? I chose this. I chose to love you in silence, where I find no rejection and in silence no one owns you but me.

My friend composed a song which exactly what my heart want to say. It says:

“If only you see me,

The way you see her,

Maybe everything’s perfect now…

Cause you are my unreachable star,

And also the reason of my heart scars,

Are you deaf or are you blind?

Cause you don’t hear and see this feelings of mine,

And now, I just want you out of my mind,

Even if I want to say my feelings just… nevermind.”

Nevermind… nevermind me, nevermind my feelings.

Just like the old saying: Don’t assume unless otherwise stated. Next time, I will tattooed that on my mind.

Good thing, summer vacation has finally arrived.

Thank you.. Thank you.. for making me realize how unyielding I am, how strong I am to keep this feelings. It will forever be left unsaid but I hope that you will even acknowledge it, not with the way I wanted but with the way you want to feel it.

I will be always here as your friend. For now, it’s enough. I have to give my heart a break. Thank you for those smiles that always completes my day, thank you for making me feel the pain, the agony which reminds me that I’m still human, that I’m not numb. You will always be credited for all of these.

One friendly advice: Pursue her, chase her. If you really love her, tell her. Seize the opportunity and do the work. Make her feel the best out of everything. She’s fortunate to be love by you, make her feel that you’re fortunate too.

I hope I can accept my label to you.

I hope I can look at you without getting hurt–without being pretentious.

Seeing you happy with the girl you love is more than enough to describe how happy I am for you.

I remember a quote from ‘The Zahir’ book… “Until one morning, I’ll wake up and find I’m thinking about something else, and then I’ll know the worst is over. My heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing the beauty of life once more. It happened before, it will happen again, I’m sure.”

Yes, I’m very sure… God is just too busy writing the best love story for me. It will not going to be with you but it’s ok. Loving you is the last thing that I will regret–you always owe a big part here in my heart.

So yeah. I just have to face the reality, we will jokingly tease each other, we will laugh, we will exchange jokes but I will never tell anything about this feelings of mine because I know deep down that you won’t feel the same, you will always be an entire story to me, even if I was nothing but a simple sentence to you, no.. let me rephrase it , I’m not even a sentence… I’m just a… WORD.

Sooner or later, this mourning period will be over. I’m gonna get over it… I’m gonna get over… you. I Promise.

—-x

My classmate told me to write a letter for this guy that she really likes, unfortunately he doesn’t feel the same way. I just tried to put myself in her shoe. And viola-this is it.

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