Chasing Cars

We’ll do it all, everything, on our own.

We don’t need, anything, or anyone.

I’m running like hell when I suddenly heard a magical tone which made me stop. I know that voice, that angelic voice. I know that sound, that guitar strum I’m always dying to hear. I don’t care if I’m late, as long as it is for him, I don’t care about anything anymore.

If I lay here, if I just lay here.

Would you lie with me and just forget the world.

The music stops here.

I took a step forward and try to open the front door without making any noise. I’m like a peeping tom here-I’m like a stalker.

I succeeded when I tried to sneak inside the amphitheater. The place was so isolated, so I decided to sit on the back so he won’t see me. But, I think it’s not my lucky day cause he’s tossing all his things inside his backpack and putting the guitar back on his case. After that, he dragged his feet away from the stage.

He then turn the lights off and everything went black.

Yes, it’s another cliche story. I’m in love with a guy who doesn’t give a damn about me. I mean, I know him and he knows me, we talk and we hang out but still, why do I feel like he is so far away? Why do I feel like he’s way beyond my reach?

I’m always admiring him from afar and it’s been like 5 years? 5 years that we know each other but still, he’s making me feel like I’m just nothing, that I’m just a friend, that I’m just a no special girl that he won’t ever set eyes on.

Looking so desperate here, but I did everything just for him to noticed me. I believe that there’s nothing wrong about it. I’m in love and it’s not a mistake. Can you call it a wrongdoing? Doing everything for the sake of love, for the sake of your happiness.

I still remember the day I had this feelings for you. It’s been 5 years ago, we’re still young that time. 13 years old if I’m not mistaken. You’re my first love, puppy love, teenage dream, true love. But when will you feel the same way? When will you realized that I’m always here, just look behind you and you will see the girl who’s willing to give and give up everything just for you.

I feel like I’m giving too much but it’s still not enough. Too much and not enough at the same time. This is how my life works.

***

“Are you okay?”

I wanted to cry. My right foot hurts like hell. My twin sister and I are playing badminton when I suddenly jump and my feet landed in a wrong way.

When I look up, I saw a cute guy asking me if I was okay. Redness starting to creep up on my face, I’ll be a red tomato in a minute here. I can’t even feel the pain in my ankle anymore. It’s like those smiles are so magical or maybe he’s a superhero, saving me from this tragic pain that I’ll feel.

“I’m ok. Thank you.”

After I said that, you offered your hand and I accept it.

“I’m Barbie. You are?”

“Clifford. I’m Clifford.”

And you know what’s bizarre? That moment, you saved me from being in pain but I feel like you’re here to give me more than that, an excruciating and suicidal kind of pain.

And I’m right. Cause I know, that moment, you were not looking at me.

Since then, our families got well bonded together. I still remember the first time I delivered my mama’s kaldereta in your house just to welcome you as our new neighbor. And you gave a smile which made me feel that awesome feeling. You made me feel like I’m capable of making you smile, of making you happy for an ephemeral moment.

***

5 years of being inlove with you is not that easy. It’s hard, it’s really hard knowing that even if I take a long walk or ride, you will never ever be mine. You’ll always be an unreachable star.

“Bro, what now? Is everything going according to our plan?”

That voice pulled me out from my fantasies, it’s his voice. He’s talking to someone. I can’t see them because the lights are still off and I’m still here inside the amphi.

“Yes pare, calmed down okay? She’ll be here. You’ll surprise her and she’ll be surprised. Don’t be torpe okay? Just ask her.”

“Yes, I know, Barb will be here. The girl that I love will be here. And she’ll be my girlfriend.”

A smile found it’s way to my lips when I heard that. So he’ll surprise me? He loves me too? All this time, I thought he’s an unreachable star, that he’s deaf and blind for not hearing and seeing this feelings of mine. I can’t even explain what I’m feeling right now, I’m out of words. All I know is that, the guy I love will be mine, I can hug him, kiss him, cuddle with him and love him for the rest of my life cause we’re on the same shoe. I love him and the best part? He loves me too.

If I lay here, if I just lay here.

Would you lie with me and just forget the world.

I don’t know how to say, how I feel.

Those three words, I said too much, they’re not enough.

After that, the darkness was over, all the lights are shining and the isolated amphitheater was gone. There are so many students around the whole place, even my family and other relatives are there. On the stage his friends are holding a big banner that says:

‘CAN YOU BE MY GIRLFRIEND BARB?’

I immediately run towards the stage.

Finally I’ve found my own version of Augustus Waters, my Adam Wilde, my Tedros, my Quentin, my everything. I’m Barbie and I have finally found my Ken.

I stopped from my tracks.

If a lay here, if I just lay here.

Would you lie with me and just forget the world.

Let’s waste time, chasing cars.

Around our head.

My world shatters in front of me when I saw my sister coming out from the backstage. Clifford is smiling at her, they are both smiling and I saw how inlove Clifford is. Those sparks, those smiles. I hope it was for me. I still remember what my bio teacher said to me, if you want something don’t say that you wish for it, say that you’re hopeful to have it. Funny thing is that, I always hope you set your eyes on me, that you’ll noticed me, that you’ll love me but I think that hope-thingy doesn’t have a single effect if you’re not really for me. It hurts like hell, but as always. I need to accept this. Acceptance is necessity just for this pain to go away.

“Yes.”

I heard my sister’s answer. That exact moment, I know that I need to give up, I need to put aside my feelings and accept that I’m always be invisible, I’m always be nothing to you. It’s odd how a single word, a one syllable word will destroy my world, will put me into Armageddon state and will kill me.

Funniest of all the funny thing is that I forgot my twin sister’s name is Barb too, short for Barbara. I remember the first time we met, you offered your hand to me but you look passed me.

You’re looking at Ate Barbara that time.

With that, I walked away. Give this to me, 5 years of having this freaking feelings for you means being so melodramatic.

So I’m not the Barb you are talking about, I’m not your Barbie and you’re not my Ken.

Forget what we’re told, before we get too old.

Show me your garden that’s bursting into life.

I run as fast as I could. I don’t know where I’ll be going but I have to trust myself, I don’t care anymore where will my soul dragged me. I just want to run and forget everything.

Unfortunately, I stumbled to the floor, and I can’t pull myself up. It’s like my knees are already made of jell-o. I don’t have the power to stand up, and run, and leave everything behind me. My vision is blurry because of this stupid tears, streaming down my face. I pity myself, so much. I wanted to give up, I just wanted to lay on the floor and still wait for him, maybe he’ll offered his hands like what he did way back then, and tell me that I’m the one, that it’s not my sister who he loves. But I think, it’ll never happen. Story of my life.

“Are you okay?”

I heard a strange voice, when I look up I saw a guy standing in front of me offering his hand. I don’t know why but my eyes fixed its gaze on his ID, which is hanging in front of me. And with that, I saw his name…

“I’m Ken.”

Let’s waste time, chasing cars.

Around our head.

The music stops here.

–x

Listening to 1D’s version of Chasing Cars made me wrote this story down. And..

AN: Seriously, I made this story to tell anyone (who’s inlove with guy/girl who can’t love them back), that, it’s not the end of the world. He’s not inlove with you but you’re gonna be okay. Don’t beg for his/her love cause in the end you’ll just be a pawn in the game that you made. You’ll trapped yourself inside that labyrinth full of hope and you won’t get out. Stop looking at those far-fetched person. That’s the cliche of life. And to tell everyone honestly, someone’s out there, someone who’s fit with you, someone who’s not beyond your reach, someone that will make you feel how wonderful it is to love and be loved. There’s a person who’ll make you feel that you’re not just a star, you’re the galaxy. You’re not just a word, you’re a whole book. You’re not just a coffee but you’re a freaking shot of a whiskey.

You’ll find someone out there. Trust me. No, you’ll not find him, he’ll come your way and he’ll make you feel that God really wrote your story in the best best best best way that he can.

Wanting happiness doesn’t mean being stupid. To be loved doesn’t mean chasing someone. It’s a great compliment that you’ll love and be loved by means of fate and choice not by means of force.

Just trying to make sense. Godbless đŸ™‚

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