Almost is never enough

Since I was a child, I’m always asking myself this question? “Is love really that wonderful?” I always thought that, that thing they called love will make you fly through the clouds, will make you feel how awesome this world is, I always thought that the counterpart of ‘love’ is ‘happiness’. As I’m growing up, I saw how many people strived, begged and hurt themselves for this thing. If only they have the power to see their hearts, maybe they’ll pity themselves for being deceive by this word. But for the fortunate one, it’s a big privilege to find someone who will put them into the pedestal and love them for the rest of their lives. Some people are lucky, and some people are not. That’s the accuracy of life.

I find it really bizarre how this 4 letter word can change everything, can put people into Armageddon state or worst, put them into suicidal mode. And as always, there’s a contradictory, this thing can also put people into the completeness that they’ve always wanted, can make people wanted to cherish and treasure their lives.

In my case, love can destroy me and sometimes it’s the only thing I am fighting for just to live. Even if a lot of people says how stupid I am for loving him, there’s no doubt that he’s the only person who can make me and a lot of times, can break me.

“Trish, I can’t bear to see her cry, I can’t leave her.” He said.

“I’m not asking for you to leave her, I’m asking for you to give me even a half of your freaking time. Is that too much to ask?”

I’m shouting like hell. I wanted him to realize that that I’m not his toy, he can’t leave me just like that and walk away whenever he wanted to.

“But Trish, you know our situation. I like you, but..

I love her.”

He said that while looking straight into my eyes. It hurts, well being hurt is just the understatement of what I feel right now, what I feel is an excruciating pain. I saw it in his eyes, the sincerity. I hear it when he speaks, the honesty and I feel it every time he hugs and kisses me, the love. Unfortunately, not for me but for her.

He loves her and he just likes me. I don’t have any single idea why I am still degrading myself and staying with him when I know that I’m just the other woman, I’m the third wheel.

But, is it a selfish part of me when I say that I’m the one who first saw him? I’m the first one who got in love with him? So therefore, he’s mine. But everything has changed when we entered our State University. He fell in love with a girl, and it was a total wreck for me. That time, he’s lending all his time to that girl. He’s totally whip and smitten. It’s like they can’t both walk and talk and be normal without each other. Who am I to protest? I’m just a friend.

But I want to put a fight. I did everything to get him.

***

I still remember that day, they had a petty fight which to my surprise, he didn’t bother to say sorry to her and just walk away. I’m no evil, but that time, I felt like it was the time to prove my self worth to him. The night came so fast, he’s broken and he got drunk. He gave me the keys to his condo and when we got there, I did what I have to do.

“Trish, what happened? Don’t tell me..”

I cut him off. And told him that we did something more than what he was thinking. But honestly speaking, nothing happened. I know I’m so stupid for doing this kind of thing, it’s just that I love him, too much, that I can’t bear to see him with other girl. I want him to be just mine, mine alone.

After that, maybe his conscience is eating him, so he gave me his attention. We made a deal, that we wouldn’t tell anyone what happened that night (which actually don’t really happened according to what he’s thinking) in one condition, I’ll be his girlfriend.. secret girlfriend to be exact. And with that, it’s more than enough. But every time he’s with me, he made me feel somewhat important, but not loved. There’s a thick line between being special and being loved. He’s always thinking of her, whenever we’re having a dinner or we hang out in his condo, he’s always gazing at the clock. Whenever I wanted to cuddle with him, he’s busy with his phone.

“Tell me Drew, what I am to you?”

I suddenly asked him that question, for a reason that I don’t even know why.

A long pause and he didn’t answer. “Ok. Nevermi–”

I’m surprise by what he did. He took a hold of my hands and kissed them.

“Trish, you’re a really good person. Sorry for what happened to us. It was a mistake, I didn’t want to hurt you. It’s just that I can’t be the person you want me to be. I can’t love you the way you wanted to be loved. All I can offer to you is friendship. But you know what, something strange happening to me. I love her, I love my girlfriend but my mind’s a haywire right now and I think..

I’m almost there. I like you.”

I can’t believe it. Is this really true? Liking me is enough. That like-thing will lead him to the realization that I am the one for him. I wouldn’t end up like my sister, she didn’t fight for her ‘once in a lifetime best shot’, and I’m not stupid to do the same mistake. Now that I know I have a single reason to fight for this, I will give my all just to win his heart.

Since that day, I’m always ecstatic, it’s like those words the he said is an elixir of euphoria. He never fails to make me smile. Everything’s fine. It’s just like nothing’s happening between us, it’s like we’re just friends. His other girlfriend, Chloe, is not on our block so I’m free to express my feelings for him. I’m not just too showy because they know that he has a girlfriend.

My block mates always address me as a good girl, I’m loved by everyone, I always get high grades in every subject, not too high but enough to passed all my units. Happiness and positivity took over me, it’s like there is no slots for sadness in my life anymore.

Until…

“What’s this?”

I’m resting my head on my armchair and when I look up, I traveled to the age of paranoia when I saw Chloe standing in front of me. She’s holding an envelope and she throw it to my face. Her eyes are fluffy, her hands are shaking and I saw the fire burning in her eyes. She’s raging mad.

I immediately opened the envelope and saw a lot of pictures, candid photos of me and Drew, we’re kissing, hugging each other, holding hands and entering his condo unit. I don’t know what to do or say, it’s like someone put a powerful glue on my lips. This is the thing I am dreading for, I’m too weak to fight. I look around and saw all my classmates staring at me with disgust and with dissapointment. Maybe some of them can’t believe that the girl who’s good in their eyes will do this horrible and immoral thing.

“Did I do something bad to you for letting me taste this hell? You deserves this.”

And with that she slapped me hard. I forgot, if I’m the good one then this girl in front of me is the angel. If I’m loved by everyone, she’s the kind of friend everyone’s dreaming to have. If I always get the average grades, she can topped all her subjects. See how different we are? I’m just number one when she’s not around.

But I didn’t get this far just to be a freaking damsel in distress. Want my bitchy side? Then I’ll show her.

“Maybe he finds you boring.”

And then, I slapped her and pushed her on the floor. The moment she stumbled down, Drew got inside the classroom and he run towards Chloe. It felt like he stabbed me. Afterall this time, it’s still her.

Chloe pushed him away, but he insist.

“Chloe, forgive me.”

Drew is know kneeling in front of her, while I’m here standing behind him and wishing that there’s someone out there who would abduct me or just kill me so that this pain will stop, so that my heart will stop beating and everything will be perfect for the both of them. It hurts when you know that what you did is never gonna be enough. That you’ll always be the kind of girl that he will like but he will never love.

“Do you love her?” There’s a calmness in her voice. My feet were glued to the ground when she ask this question to Drew.

Please, answer yes and you’ll not gonna regret loving me. Please, give me a chance and I’ll prove to you that I am worth it. Please, I’m begging, love me and I’ll give my all even if it means putting my reputation on waste. Please, love me too.

I’m talking telepathically to Drew as if he would hear me.

“No.”

With that answer, I realized all the bad things I’ve done. I realized how wrong it is to give everything to someone who will eventually leave me hanging. I’m so done crossing the oceans for him when he can’t even walk for me. I realized all the wrong and bad things, but still, my heart is shouting for his name, my soul was still hoping that there’s a replay and he will say that he loves me, that I’m not just a mistake, that I’m not just nothing to him.

“It’s just that, I can’t forgive you right now Drew. Everything’s vague, and I can’t even fathom my feelings. Talk to her and settle things, and if you’re ready to choose. I’ll just be one call away.”

Chloe’s voice made me feel how evil I am. She’s so calm and selfless, she’s so innocent. How can I hurt someone who’s this good? How I can put aside everyone’s feeling just for me to be happy? All of this is because of my selfishness. But..

I’m not gonna give up. I still have a reason to make him stay. He likes me, he’s almost there. I don’t care anymore how people will see me, whore, desperate, flirt, I don’t care about anything anymore. I still have my chance.

She shoved the crowd away and stormed out to the scene. I fixed my gaze on Drew and saw how devastated he is. He’s crying like hell. I wish I could wipe off those tears. What to love about her? She’s just making him cry while I can make him smile. She’s just putting him in pain while I can erase all of it.

To my surprise, Drew dragged me outside the campus. The place was so isolated.

“Dre–”

“Trish. Let’s stop this. I can’t lose her.”

“No.”

“Trish, I can’t bear to see her cry, I can’t leave her.” He said.

“I’m not asking for you to leave her, I’m asking for you to give me even a half of your freaking time. Is that too much to ask?”

I’m shouting like hell. I wanted him to realize that I’m not his toy, he can’t leave me just like that and walk away whenever he wanted to.

“But Trish, you know our situation. I like you, but..

I love her.”

My hands are shaking and I can’t even utter a single word.

He continued, “She’s the one who can make the stars and moon collide, she’s the one who can me feel those butterflies in my stomach, those insanely heartbeats, those blushing cheeks and those wobbling knees. That feeling whenever she’s around me, my heart wanted to jump out from its rib cage, my hands are shaking and I can’t even utter a single word. My eyes was always looking for her. And it’s bizarre how she is capable of staying on my mind, even at my 1am, 2am, 3am-thoughts. It’s odd how she can make me travel to the age of paranoia by just sitting there near me and doing nothing. She’s my once in a lifetime best shot. And she’s the only I see as the mother of my child, as the one who will grow old with me and the one who’ll love me not forever but for a lifetime. I love her, so please, just let me go.”

The cliche of my life, the only person I love is wishing for me to let him go. I can’t speak, I can’t walk, I can’t run. I’m so numb. What he said made me realized that almost is never enough. Maybe he’s almost there, he likes me but still he loves her. I’m just nothing and in reality other woman never wins. Its not about how much you gave in, or how much you put just for a relationship to work out. If you’re the only one who’s fighting, you’ll never gonna win, you’ll just gonna be a pawn in your own mind twisting game.

I turn my back on him. I’m so proud of myself, I can walk away from him. I can walk away from that person who gave me suicide. Finally, my mind works the way I wanted it to be.

Before I can dragged my feet away to that scene.

“Drew, that night, nothing happened. Sorry, sorry for everything. I just love you that much. Thank you for the memories.

Hayaan mo lang ako, hayaan mo lang ako na mahalin ka, kasi darating yung panahon na yung puso ko na mismo yung mapapagod at magsasawa. I love you.”

But my heart didn’t cooperate.

I don’t know, but when I said that, it gave me the courage to run away. To run as fast as I could. I don’t know where to go, my vision was blurry and I’m still shaking. My feet are numb and I’m just forcing myself. I don’t want to look at him, I don’t want him to call my name cause I’ll just crawl back to him and I’ll be insane to let him go.

I love him but he loves her. He almost love me but just like what the song says;

Almost is never enough.

*Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech*

“TRIIIISSSSSSSH!”

With that, the pain stops. Everything went black.

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